The Tragedy

THE TRAGEDY
By Elizabeth Furlong
Edited by Dan Beakey
The Beginning
In an attempt to secure her standing in his life and fortune, Candy Spelling had the foresight and smarts to go into the box of condoms laid out in her husband's dresser and poke holes into each one. She had plans to become pregnant, despite her husband Aaron Spelling's apprehension about having a child. What Candy didn't know is that Aaron had been visited in a dream some years prior by a ghastly skinny and long faced girl who would whine all night and haunt him about how she wanted to be made famous. He knew what the burdens of bringing a child into his television and movie dynasty would be. He knew that if he had a son or daughter they would beg to be cast in his latest projects and recommended for movies that his fellow screenwriters were working on. He was also aware of the likelihood of his offspring's expectations of a free ride to celebrity status. What he didn't know is that his wife would give birth to the worst actress in history. He also didn't know that his wife would be seducing him after dinner one night in September of 1973, purposely slipping a faulty condom onto him. Thus is the beginning of Tori Spelling's life and the end of acting as an art form as the world knew it. On May 3rd, 1973, Victoria Davey Spelling was born. On May 4th, 1973, Aaron Spelling realized he was going to need to make more hit TV shows so he could build his mansion large enough that he would never bump into his daughter in any hallway, kitchen or bathroom where she could solicit him for roles in any of his projects.

The Rise of Tori Spelling

Tori's childhood was that of any kid growing up in Beverly Hills with a legendary television tycoon as a father. She had bedrooms in her home that were built specifically for her dolls, and even a room for wrapping presents, all to insure that her mother and father would never have to interact with her. You see they realized early on that Tori's entire life would be an audition for one of her father's shows. Even as an infant her cries sounded fake and overly dramatic. As a toddler she would throw temper tantrums and scream at her parents in badly done English and Scottish accents. When her father wasn't around she was performing for the nannies and maids in the hopes that they would be so blown away by her acting skills they would tell her father to pay attention to her. Needless to say Tori had countless nannies and hired help over the years because nobody could endure her pathetic impressions of Annie and Oliver Twist.
Time passed and Tori grew up. Her father had thrown her a bone here and there just to keep her off his back and she had done some "professional acting" in series such as "Saved by the Bell", "T.J. Hooker" and "The Love Boat". Fans of these shows were awestruck at just how badly a sixty-five pound girl could perform. There were even suspicions of some supernatural forces at work, using their powers to make her so bad. There was talk about the possibility the rumors surrounding the Poltergeist movies could also apply to this little girl. It was as if the people believed that she carried some force within her that could take down Hollywood and every innocent thing surrounding it. But before she could do what she was sent here to do, she would have to become so recognizable that when people saw her face their guttural reactions would be so unforgettable it would leave her face carved into their memories forever. She needed to reap the status that would make her name as recognizable as Adolf Hitler's. She would need to get on a hit television series that would make her famous. Then, and only then, could Tori Spelling do what she was sent here to do. Then, and only then, would Tori Spelling fulfill her destiny. Then, and only then, she could take down Hollywood.

A Decade of Dormancy

As folklore would have us believe, in the early 1990's a 17 year old Tori Spelling auditioned for her father's new series, "Beverly Hills 90210", under a fake name so as to prove that it wasn't nepotism getting her the role but rather her "acting skills". Clearly the idea that any casting directors could watch Tori Spelling "act" and think that she was good enough to be on any television show is too hard to fathom. Therefore most historians believe that she didn't lie about not being Tori Spelling, but, in fact, paid someone else to go to an audition for her under her own name. But, no matter what her method was, she landed the gig and was about to embark on her journey into the American people's souls, and burrow her way into their homes once a week. People were starting to take notice of her awful attempts to show human emotion, and their visceral reactions were a warning sign to them all that this entity, this dark force, this creature was sent from somewhere ugly and scary to do harm to us all. They watched her week after week like a dormant volcano knowing all along that something was bubbling under the surface, something that was ready to explode and destroy everything in its path. This gaunt, scraggly girl with dead eyes and no real emotions, just words that she was reading off a teleprompter in her dead voice, was hungry for blood.

Hollywood Burns

Aaron Spelling's hit series, "Beverly Hills 90210", achieved cult status and, after a ten year run, it ended. Knowing that this show could not stay on forever, Tori had been plotting and scheming for her next move. She had appeared in many Lifetime movies throughout the past ten years, winning over the hearts of single desperate women everywhere, and her run on 90210 had made her face and name as recognizable as she needed it to be to start working on her final solution to the entertainment industry. Tori Spelling was going to single handedly destroy every movie that was in the works, everywhere in Hollywood, by either starring in it, doing cameos, attaching her name to it in any way, running by in the background during filming, working on set design, or simply just breathing near any aspect of the movie. The film industry was slow to pick up on her plan. Everyone just assumed that she was trying to keep her career going and cash in on her 90210 success. She got some small parts in shows and movies. She even had her own series on VH1 for awhile too, under the name "So Notorious", which everyone thought was cute that she could poke fun at herself. The producers of the show, along with the viewers, just assumed she was referring to herself being Notorious because of all the jokes and speculation about her acting skills. Little did they realize that her referring to herself as "notorious" was because she was about to take down everything these people held dear to them, and her name would be synonymous with destruction, sadness, and misery for years to come.
It was the summer of 2007 when the trouble started. Tori Spelling started appearing in TV shows, commercials, and movies on every channel and in every theater. She was doing exactly what her purpose in life was to do. She was destroying everything she touched and the people of America were scared. Couples were out at the movie theater to see romantic comedies, and Tori would rear her emaciated face onto the screen. People settling down at night to watch informative documentaries about history and world issues would find her appearing on the screen, mumbling something idiotic. Children would be watching their favorite cartoons and her voice would be behind one of the cute characters. That's when it all started. It was like an epidemic. Anyone who saw or heard anything that Tori Spelling said or did would get violently ill. They were throwing up in the theaters, over their TV dinners, on their couches and remotes. Their eyes and ears were bleeding and their bodies were twitching. This went on for days as it took awhile for the officials to figure out what was happening. After putting the pieces together and figuring out that all the people that were becoming ill had all just participated in some kind of media viewing. That's when the Tori Spelling Terror Alert System was assembled and put into crisis mode. It was from here that the National Media Security Team decided that the only way to end this outbreak was to quarantine all the victims of the attack. They decided the antidote was simply to put them all into a giant theater and play movies such as The Godfather, Jaws, The Exorcist, Casablanca and other classic movies, in order to rid them of the memory of Tori Spelling. That was how they chose to deal with the victims. As for the poison that infected them, there was only one way to deal with that, and that was by burning every piece of film that she appeared on and every piece of tape that recorded her voice, every magazine that she appeared in. The quickest and easiest way to do that was by burning down the city that started it all, Hollywood.

The Aftermath

The city burned for days. There were no fatalities as the classic movie antidote did the job it was supposed to do. Unfortunately the memory erasing serum that was administered to all the victims of this senseless crime wiped their memories of everything they had seen for the twenty year period that Tori was filmed. But during the days following, all of the victims were shown some of the great movies of our time so that they would not be socially inept when they returned to their normal lives. Another tragedy of this huge attack was that all pieces of film that had been created in that 20 year span had been destroyed. Although it may have been unnecessary, the days during the attack were so panic stricken that the officials had to assume that she had somehow snuck into any movie and there just wasn't enough time to do the proper research. The good news is that Tori Spelling was caught. She was placed in captivity and studied by scientists where they discovered that her DNA was not of this world. The blame was placed on her mother and it was decided in the final reports that her mother was sent here from somewhere that had evil intentions towards our planet. Candy Spelling used Aaron Spelling simply for his links to Hollywood, knowing that her spawn would have the power to influence her father enough to get him to put her on television. Candy Spelling was never seen after the attacks, and therefore was never prosecuted. It was decided that Tori Spelling was innocent in the whole thing. People actually started to feel bad for her, as they realized she was not an evil force, but a dumb girl who actually thought she was good at acting and really just wanted to entertain the public. She had just been under the influence of an evil force that her mother programmed her with. It was after she had been studied that they were able to deprogram her and saw her for the "aww, shucks", twenty something girl she was.

Picking up the Pieces

As time went by, Hollywood was rebuilt and renamed "Hollywood II Back With a Vengeance". Movies went back into production, television was resumed and series started popping up all over the place. The American people did learn one thing though and that was never to just accept a bad actor, or actress, appearing on your screen, and never just deal with it. They learned to revolt against the bad shows and bad acting that was being sold to them and the National Media Security Team developed new technology that allowed people to vote from their homes and remove bad actors from their shows. There was also a terror watch list for people who were suspected of foul play. In the first sweep of this terror watch list, actors such as Vin Diesel, Carrot Top, Paulie Shore, Kathy Griffen, and Paris Hilton were removed from the airwaves. After they were cleared of terrorist suspicions, they fell into the category of "bad actors" and had their SAG cards revoked.
The system seems to be working and there hasn't been another attack like that to date. Also, the quality of television and movies has improved and actors, and actresses, are now required to go to school, or have some kind of professional teaching to receive that title now. And, in some weird way, we have Tori Spelling to thank for that.