How to Ace a Job Interview

I just got a job at a pretty reputable company. How I beat out the 6 other candidates for the position goes a little something like this..
1. Party until 4 am at friends house on the night before the interview.
2. Drive home and struggle to get 4 hours of sleep before waking up to head to interview.
3. Wake up and Pull clothing out of the suitcase that you have been living out of because you have been thrown out of your house for the second time in 3 months. Do NOT iron. Do not acknowledge the fact that your belly is completely exposed and your jean jacket us filthy.
4. Leave makeup on that you had on when you went out the night before. Just clean up the black eye makeup that has wandered half way down your face.
5. Get to interview and stare blankly at the directory on the wall until someone asks you if you need help. Get on elevator travel up and down between floors until you realize the floor you are looking for is labeled lobby not 1st floor.
6. Get off elevator and stare blankly at directory again until someone else asks you if you need help. Explain predicament and have you future coworker explain the whole Lobby=1st floor thing. Then giggle and say "yeah Im kind of retarded when it comes to finding things" Then upon introductions discover this man is someone you will be working for.
7. Arrive in office of Interviewer where he asks you questions and you give one word answers.
8. Pick at your fingernails, fidget, and act completely disinterested.
9. When he asks you what your short term goals are, say "I dont really have any Im kinda just living day to day" then laugh about how dumb that sounded.
10. When he asks you if you have any questions about the position or about the company. Say "no" and offer no follow up.
11. While he is walking you out of his office say "pardon the jean jacket I know I must look like a dirtbag but Ive been living out of boxes for a week" Dont explain further.
12. And finally as you are walking through the door and down the hallway hit him with a "Laaattta" in your most West Quincy voice.
13. Wait for the company to come begging to hire you and then go ace a drug test so you can start the next round of "the Liz Furlong Job expectancy Pool"