Grievances

Grievances...(work in progress)
Red light Seekers- I have gotten used to the fact that I am going to have to sit at many a long red light in my life. Its sucks but it's a fact. I have even tried to put a positive spin on it and use that time to clean the passenger seat of my car or check my bag to make sure (for the 9th time of the day) that I am equipped with chapstick. Its not the red lights that I have the huge problem with although I do hate them, Its being stuck behind someone who is trying to get the light. We've all been there, you drop your cigarette in between the seats, your trying to find a CD, dialing a phone number etc.. And you need a minute to focus so you wait until you get a Red Light to get your shit together but because the Lord works in mysterious ways, you don't get a light. In fact when you are waiting for a red light, that is the only time you will hit every Green Light on your trip. I swear though, more and more so, I have been getting stuck driving behind somebody who is trying so desperately to get a Red light that they actually start slowing down at the approaching green light. It makes me crazy, I want to scream and throw a tantrum and drive directly over their car to get through the light, but it happens. I solemnly vow that if I ever get the urge to listen to Hurricane at that exact moment but cant quite reach my Neil Young tape underneath my seat and I see my chance at a light that is coming up I will not make the person driving behind me suffer through the boredom of the light just so I can get what I want. Unless that person looks like a douche bag.
My Advice: Check for cars behind you before trying to get the Red, If there is anyone behind you, then you lose, you can hear the song later, Or you can slam on the breaks in hopes that the impact will move all the tapes under your seat up to your feet. Also if a light has just turned Yellow and you are coming up on it, go through it You have about 4 seconds until it turns red and this way you can give the person behind you the decision of whether or not they want to blow the light.

Starbucks, Panera, etc.- Okay I am sure that some genius in the marketing department thought up this whole "lets call them our 'guests' and find out their names" thing thinking that it would make the customers feel more welcome and at home, but No it just makes me Hate. I am speaking for myself here, but I am sure that there are others that agree that calling me your "guest" is obnoxious. Yeah, I suppose I am a "guest" in your restaurant but really, I am just a customer. I'd actually prefer it if you just looked out into the line of people and shouted "Next". But this whole "Can I help the next guest" thing, really fucking wears on me. Also I don't want to give you my name. I think that's getting a little personal for a food/money transaction. It doesn't help that nobody can EVER understand me when I say "Liz" I almost always end up with a receipt that says "Lynn, Louise, Lisa" so really if your gonna fuck it up why ask at all. Cant we go back to the days where I was assigned a number and a recording announced my number and I went up and grabbed my food. Now I have some friendly little Portuguese woman gently whispering "Lisa" over and over again until I finally hear her and realize she means "Liz" and she is talking to me. My Advice: If your going to commit to something you better really commit. If I really am your "guest" then you are my concierge and I expect you to comply with any of my orders. And make an effort to look at my mouth and listen to the sounds that are coming out of it when I tell you my name. LIZ. Its three letters and it's a pretty common name. When you are assigning tasks to people at the start of your day, Panera Manager, please pick an Ex Cheerleader or someone who can raise their voice past the "Im just a scared immigrant and I don't know what this says so I am going to whisper it" volume because if she has a hard time reading and saying "Liz" then she is gonna have an even harder time pronouncing "Ichbeinensteikler" which is what I am giving as my name the next time I have a craving for your delicious soups.


Thinking of a Number Guy- Go away. Seriously, Stop it. Please stop being on the TV. Please stop having Red Hair. Please stop annoying the piss out of my boyfriend. Please stop making me have to leap out of bed to change the channel when you come on which is every motherfucking commercial break. Please Stop existing. GO AWAY.


Talking about the Weather- I know this one has been beat to death but I have to complain about this. Okay Listen up Everyone in my building at work, mailmen, UPS guy, Employees, Xerox technicians, Maintenance crew and Security, Here is the thing.. In order for me to get to work I have to go outside of the building I sleep in, Get into my car, drive on the Highway, park my car, get out of my car, and walk into the building I work in. I can guarantee you that at some point or another I have noticed the weather. Please, please, please Stop telling me what its like outside. I know I am the receptionist or whatever and I am the first face you see when you come in to the office but that shouldn't mean that you have to burst at the seems with your Wit and attempted humor at "this crazy weather were having" and "only in New England" bullshit. Just because I am only a receptionist doesn't mean you have to humor me with mind numbing banter about basic dumb shit. Ask me how I like my eggs or what my opinions on the Death Penalty are or just completely ignore me. But please enough with the weather. You can't possibly imagine how many times I hear the same sentences uttered day in and day out.


Dirty Shirts & Fluorescent Lights-. When I get ready in the morning I take approximately 6 minutes. 4 of which entail me staring blankly into the bucket that all of my clothes are in and the other minute and a half is spent screaming profanities about dress codes (more on that later) leaving me with just 30 seconds to get dressed so I never really examine my clothes before putting them on. I just assume that they are clean and stain/smell free. It seems like though, when I get to work the lights in my office pick up on some things that normal lighting and natural sunlight failed to show me. I then have to spend the entire day wearing my jacket or positioning my arms in ways that cover the coffee stain that is dribbled down the front of my shirt. Also annoying, Smells. Spending a whole workday trying to identify a smell on your clothes that you aren't familiar with sucks. The things you start to think of get weird. "Hmmm I guess it smells a little like an old orange rind that was used for an ash tray but somebody got lazy about putting out their cigarette so they poured the milk they were drinking into the orange rind ash tray" Is an actual smell I spent a whole afternoon identifying. Oh and socks, forget it. I only have two pairs of black socks and work five days a week, you do the math.
My Advice: For the love of all things pure and good in this world LET ME WEAR JEANS AND FLIP FLOPS. Why oh why do I have to wear hideously bad clothes to work. There are never any big important things going down in this office that I need to look nice for. Most days I don't even see anybody except for the Weather Fairies who drop in to tell the lowly reception girl who lives under her desk what is happening at that precise moment out in that big scary world, and I don't think they care what I am wearing. Although I am sure they want to dress me in Gollashes, Rain Coats, Sunblock and Umbrellas. So why do I have to wear "Business Casual Attire". Ewwww. Ewwie Ewww. I would get here a lot earlier everyday and be in much better spirits if I was allowed to wear The Liz Furlong Uniform which consists of, a Black Tank Top or T Shirt, Jeans, Flops. Nothing too racy, nothing offensive, Just comfy casual clothes. But No. There I go everyday seething at the world for forcing me into a pair of black flats and dress pants. I hate you Cruel Business Casual.

My Teeth- Really Teeth, really? Not enough for you yet? You haven't started to get bored with the whole Lets kill our host with insufferable pain thing. I look at my teeth as a separate entity these days and for this reason only; I cannot imagine how something that is part of my body could possibly cause so much pain. I just cant fathom how something that is in me, hurts me so much. So I decided that they aren't my teeth. They cant be. They are the teeth of someone who I hurt or killed in a past life. They are ghost teeth and they hurt me because of something awful I did to the person whose body they were in. Well I guess a more reasonable explanation would be that my Dentist up until age 22 kind of sucked at his profession and did some ridiculously expensive work on all of my teeth that he totally half assed. But when I am in the throes of a multi teethed toothache and I Am hysterical and crying in pain I find it easier to blame Ghost Teeth instead of Dr. Barron.
My Solution: Go back in time to the previous life and find the person whose Ghost Teeth are haunting me with. Apologize profusely for any wrong doings offer to buy them dinner.
Banana Craving- I'm sure this has been covered before and if not than I am gonna give some ideas here that maybe a fruit vender or entrepreneur could take to the bank. Sometimes you get a craving for a Banana, and you weren't expecting this craving so you didn't prepare for it by buying bananas 5 days earlier. Now what do you do? Go to the grocery store and purchase bananas and wait a few days for them to ripen. Yes. That's what you do because that is your only option. The only place I have ever seen bananas that were ripe in the store is in the 7E or Tedeshci's and that really isn't a place you wanna get your fruit. I guess that goes for most fruit that has to be ripe like Peaches, Plums and Pears. Maybe there are stores that have these fruits in a separate basket for the people that want them "To eat today" and another basket "to eat Tomorrow" and then one more basket that says "ready by the end of the week" But I haven't seen that store.
My Advice: Open that store

That Creepy Indian Guy- Okay look, Owners of Red Apple Liquor Store, I know its your store and its family run and whatnot but seriously does you ancient Uncle or brother or whoever that Creepy Indian Guy is have to work there. I know its like family and cultural tradition to take care of your family and share the wealth and whatnot but couldn't you give him a job in the storage room. I'm not even sure what That Creepy Indian Guys' job is there all I know is that he follows me around and he stares at me. Literally, just stares at me. And sometimes I don't know what I want when I get into the store. Is it a Hefeweizen night? Do I feel like Coronas? These are things I like to think about without the watchful eye of the That Creepy Indian Guy hovering and waiting for me to make my move so he can run over and rearrange whatever I have touched in the fridge. And why is it that I have Never ever seen That Creepy Indian Guy without a bucket and Mop but I have never ever seen That Creepy Indian Guy actually mopping? Is it like a crutch or something? A prop maybe? Do you even know who That Creepy Indian guy is, Owners of Red Apple or did you just assume he came with the store when your family bought it? Because I have never seen any of you talk to him or look at him.
My Advice: Ask That Creepy Indian Guy what his deal is.. Maybe check out your Payroll information and see if he works there, maybe do some family tree research and find out if he is a member of your family. And for the benefit of your customers maybe tell him that lurking around near them and watching them with That Creepy Indian Guy look in his eyes might make them a little uncomfortable.