Lunch Time in Dedham

I sit in my usual seat and dig into my fries and Dr.Pepper like I do almost always. I’m reading Junky by William S. Burroughs, Ive been reading this friggen book for like a month. It doesn’t take me long to read books usually, its just that I get distracted and find it hard to sit in a noisy cafeteria and focus. I’m basically just holding the book so I don’t look stupid sitting by myself eating. Then this girl comes in and sits at the table in front of mine, but instead of sitting in the chair facing the wall like I’m doing, she sits and faces me. I’m curious about this chick now cause I don’t like that she just made me uncomfortable and pretty much is forcing me to look at her face. She also takes out a book and her lunch but her lunch is from home. It consists of Mini bagels with jelly on them, yogurt, and a bottle of water. I immediately start to note the differences between my unhealthy lunch and her carefully packed healthy lunch. She is wearing some lame business suit outfit and has glasses and bangs and looks like a nerd, but she seems to be about my age. I wonder what she’s reading and what else she has in that giant black bag that’s on the table that just moments ago held her lunch. I imagine its all boring stuff and make a list of what I think is in there. This is what my list consisted of; books, date book, umbrella, T-pass, mittens and ear muffs, tickets to a Star Trek convention she bought for her boyfriends birthday. I realize I’m getting carried away and my stereotypes about nerds are so cliché. Then I take a look at my outfit and start to think, Hmmm I don’t look all that cool today either. And I certainly don’t look like the type of person I am. I suppose the food I am eating and the fact I am reading a book about heroin might tell a little about my lifestyle but still I look like your regular office drone with no personality and no life. There is no way that if this girl were looking at me right now and trying to figure me out she would know that I once spent an entire morning chasing crack dealers around Blue Hill Ave in a car with my crippled friend who had just gotten out of the hospital after 30 something surgeries. And I was chasing the crack dealers because he ripped me off not because I was trying clean up the streets. So now after remembering the whole ‘looks can be deceiving thing’ Im rethinking what this chick has got in her bag and what she might be reading. My curiosity gets the best of me and I go and sit at her table. I look at her book and there are no words on the pages. I ask why she is starring at a blank book.
She says “Shit they’re gonna kill me”
I say “Who?”
She says “I was sent here by my superiors to scout out potential members for our growing group”
I inquire as to what kind of group she’s talking about, thinking its some cult or like Gay Pride shit or something.
She tells me “Well its similar to the Take Back the Night movement which was organized by rape victims to overcome their grief and regain control after being assaulted.
I interrupt and laugh out “Yeah I saw that 90210, who was it that got raped again on that show? Oh right, everyone. Haha”
She looks annoyed and continues on “But its called Take Back The Day and its for employees who want to get back at the Man who holds them down every day, the coworkers who rat you out for things, the people who ‘take work seriously’ and any person who has ever told you to “get a goddamn job”
I start to laugh and cant believe anything she just said to me so I look into the giant black tote bag to find evidence that she is just screwing with me. There aren’t any umbrellas or date books in there. Instead I see files, all of which have my name on them. There is a file from every job I have ever had and they all have a big stamp on the top that says “terminated” I realize she is dead serious and I ask
“How long have you been watching me?”
She says “We’re very interested in you and we think your awful work ethic and complete lack of interest in a steady income and security are honorable. We also think you do a pretty good job sticking it to the man everyday by banging in all the time and making your own schedule. We are looking for someone who will lead us and show us new ways to get back at all the employers and businesses who made us sit through staff meetings and online training courses and compliance training.”
I tell her Im honored and touched that they think so highly of my usually frowned upon behavior.
I say “Its nice to finally be recognized for all the efforts I’ve made to stay in bed an extra 20 minutes each morning and get blind drunk every work night. Im glad you appreciate the dirty clothes and ripped sweaters I wear to work everyday”
She says “ Look, Liz we’ve been studying your records, We are more than impressed. Is it true that you didnt show up for work for an entire month once and you didn’t get fired? Did you really get a raise after not showing up for two days without even calling in? Did you actually get out of having to come in on a Saturday because you claimed to have “Dental Obligations” ? We read in your files that you once had a job that paid you $16 dollars an hour to read magazines and listen to the radio but you quit because they had cockroaches in the building. Were you really fired for sleeping on the floor of the classroom you were supposed to be watching?”
She was frantic at this point my files were all opened on the table and she was ripping through them. I casually sat back and took a bite out of one of her mini bagels and very arrogantly said ”Yeah, that stuff is all true”
She asked me “Will you please come join our group, teach us how to slack off and act like an asshole and get promotions. Teach us how to get back at the people who complain about our Internet usage. Lead us and we will pay you for your trouble, you could quit this job right now and join us and share your knowledge with us and we will pay you triple what you are getting paid now”
I considered it for 2 seconds and said “yeah I don’t think so, that sounds like a lot of work and Im pretty much all set with not having to do anything all day so Im probably not the best person for the job.”
I left her there, confused with my files still all over the table. I couldn’t understand how she could think after reviewing my past work experience that I would want to lead a group of slackers. The whole thing was contradictory; forming a group and having meetings and stuff just to get back at people for making you do work. It seemed like a whole lot of work in itself I thought and I got better things to do.