Want, Need

I just want to feel decent. I want some sense of control over the thoughts that roam my head throughout the day. I want to find a way to deal with each nagging thought and dismiss it, instead of harboring these creepy feelings like something is always about to take over and crush me. I wish I didn’t push them all down and ignore them this long because now they have gotten so powerful that they seep into my dreams and wake me with a rush of panic Or they dominate my concentration in the lonely hours of the night when everyone else is sleeping and I am pleading with a God I don’t even believe in to grant me just a few sweet hours of sleep and escape from myself. Sleep is the drug I don’t pay for, the booze I don’t have to drink. Sleep is all I need to feel human. But I can’t sleep without either of the two. I need to cloud my head with drugs and alcohol in order to let myself drift off to sleep. To escape from the guilt and frustration I feel all day long. And it’s terrifying. Falling asleep at night has become such a struggle, something I dread all day because of the fear that lingers behind my eyelids and makes me sweat and shake and traps me in violent nightmares. And the pressure of knowing that if I don’t fall to sleep I will not go to work and I will spend another entire day basked in guilt. How is somebody supposed to recharge and feel human when they can’t do the most essential and natural thing they are supposed to do?
They figure out what it is they have been smothering all this time, they face the things that scare them and make them feel low and they let go of all of it. Then they lie down at night and doze off to sleep through the night and dream of things that aren’t dark and ugly and they wake up and feel like they can face the day cause at the end of it they can have another break from their heavy thoughts.