Congratulations

To Beak Wilder on his blog that has been recognized by Quincy's Patriot Ledger. Keep it up.

Professional Help

So I went to the Behavioral Therapist that I am forced to see so I can keep getting Scrips for xanax and she told me she had never in all her years of Therapy met anyone who had as many issues with sleep as I do. She said Its almost like you look at sleep as a challenge that is waiting for you at the end of every day. This is true I said. Even at 10 am I am already stressed about the going to sleep process that will come in 12 hours. I havent even been having the problems I usually have while sleeping in the past 6 months but I still stress about it. And I don't even have to wake up for anything in the morning , so she plans on having me fixed up before I get a job and have to get to sleep and wake up at scheduled times. Good luck lady. Your about to tackle 15 year bad sleep habits and dependence on sleep aids. Ill be forever in her debt if it works.

Dead Eyes

Everytime I pass the mirror today I see my reflection and I cannot help but notice that there is no life in my fucking eyes. I have been a zombie for the past few days and the mouse keeps running on her wheel and its all I can hear and I think its tipping the bad chemicals into my brain at lightning speed. The paint on my toes is all chipped but the idea of painting my toes hot pink today is so fucking ludicrous i can only look at my feet and laugh because it means that at some point in the past few weeks I was happy enough to paint them hot pink. I couldnt smile if somebody paid me a buck. Which is more than I have in my wallet. My dead best friends brother across the street is having house parties all week and I cant help but get pissed at the sound of people having fun over there because I know if she was still alive we would be partying and her little brother would only be allowed to have a couple people over. And we would have reign of the kitchen area. I keep meaning to watch a comedy to lighten my spirit but when I get into the On Demand menu I go for doom and gloom. I cannot get in touch with my boyfriend because neither of us has operating cell phones and I cant call his grandmothers house this late and he cant call my parents house this late and if that isnt the most pathetic thing you've ever heard I dont know what is. I just brushed my teeth in an attempt at being human and got toothpaste all over my shirt. Today is only Thursday. I have nothing planned for the immediate future except for a wedding on the 15th that I wish I didnt agree to and no money to do anything until I get my second to last unemployment check next tuesday. I got one of those lumps in my throat you know the kind that dont go away. I wanna cry and I cant and its gonna be there until I do. The days keep passing me by and I miss my apartment and beng able to see my bf everyday and not having the constant worry that I am going to make my mom mad. I did some writing on paper earlier that was so fucking dark I folded it up real tiny and hid it under my clothes in the closet. I thought maybe if I purged onto paper I would feel better but obviously not cause here I am publicy purging and I still feel crummy. So Im gonna shut the lights off so I can't see my blank face in the mirror and maybe tomorrow will be a little better. If not the mouse is being moved out to the garage since I blame all this on the incessant sound of that fucking wheel.