Duck, Duck, Duck Duck, HATE

I'm not a stranger to dissapointment, so I dont really understand why I take it so bad everytime I am let down. Trust is a very powerful thing to give to someone- your trust in them not to hurt you. Your trust in them to only look out for your best intentions. I have had few good friends throughout my life who have never betrayed this trust. My first "best friend" I had for 22 years she died before she ever got the chance to hurt me so I miss her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I have opened myself up to having another best friend But every other person along the way has in some way or another broken my heart, made me even more cynical, changed me in some way. Nicole and Eric being the exceptions. In my opinion when someone is your friend, truly your friend, you should be able to make mistakes, butt heads and disgaree with them, go months without talking and not have them turn their backs on you. I cannot even tell you the amounts of people in my life who have taken this route. Just up and said "Fuck you Im all set with ya". Immediate family included. I think Im pretty up front about the kind of person I am when I meet people. They usually have an idea what they are signing on for before they decided if they want to be my friend or not... so I dont undestand how if I mess up and make a mistake you could flip so motherfucking quick on me that you now wish I was dead. Honestly the amount of times that this has happened to me in my life is astonishing.. I dont know what it is about me that makes it so easy for people to give up on me and turn their backs. I wish I did so I could change it and make them stop doing it but in the meantime I will have to stay untrusting and cynical to protect myself from being abandoned again.