The Tragedy

THE TRAGEDY
By Elizabeth Furlong
Edited by Dan Beakey
The Beginning
In an attempt to secure her standing in his life and fortune, Candy Spelling had the foresight and smarts to go into the box of condoms laid out in her husband's dresser and poke holes into each one. She had plans to become pregnant, despite her husband Aaron Spelling's apprehension about having a child. What Candy didn't know is that Aaron had been visited in a dream some years prior by a ghastly skinny and long faced girl who would whine all night and haunt him about how she wanted to be made famous. He knew what the burdens of bringing a child into his television and movie dynasty would be. He knew that if he had a son or daughter they would beg to be cast in his latest projects and recommended for movies that his fellow screenwriters were working on. He was also aware of the likelihood of his offspring's expectations of a free ride to celebrity status. What he didn't know is that his wife would give birth to the worst actress in history. He also didn't know that his wife would be seducing him after dinner one night in September of 1973, purposely slipping a faulty condom onto him. Thus is the beginning of Tori Spelling's life and the end of acting as an art form as the world knew it. On May 3rd, 1973, Victoria Davey Spelling was born. On May 4th, 1973, Aaron Spelling realized he was going to need to make more hit TV shows so he could build his mansion large enough that he would never bump into his daughter in any hallway, kitchen or bathroom where she could solicit him for roles in any of his projects.

The Rise of Tori Spelling

Tori's childhood was that of any kid growing up in Beverly Hills with a legendary television tycoon as a father. She had bedrooms in her home that were built specifically for her dolls, and even a room for wrapping presents, all to insure that her mother and father would never have to interact with her. You see they realized early on that Tori's entire life would be an audition for one of her father's shows. Even as an infant her cries sounded fake and overly dramatic. As a toddler she would throw temper tantrums and scream at her parents in badly done English and Scottish accents. When her father wasn't around she was performing for the nannies and maids in the hopes that they would be so blown away by her acting skills they would tell her father to pay attention to her. Needless to say Tori had countless nannies and hired help over the years because nobody could endure her pathetic impressions of Annie and Oliver Twist.
Time passed and Tori grew up. Her father had thrown her a bone here and there just to keep her off his back and she had done some "professional acting" in series such as "Saved by the Bell", "T.J. Hooker" and "The Love Boat". Fans of these shows were awestruck at just how badly a sixty-five pound girl could perform. There were even suspicions of some supernatural forces at work, using their powers to make her so bad. There was talk about the possibility the rumors surrounding the Poltergeist movies could also apply to this little girl. It was as if the people believed that she carried some force within her that could take down Hollywood and every innocent thing surrounding it. But before she could do what she was sent here to do, she would have to become so recognizable that when people saw her face their guttural reactions would be so unforgettable it would leave her face carved into their memories forever. She needed to reap the status that would make her name as recognizable as Adolf Hitler's. She would need to get on a hit television series that would make her famous. Then, and only then, could Tori Spelling do what she was sent here to do. Then, and only then, would Tori Spelling fulfill her destiny. Then, and only then, she could take down Hollywood.

A Decade of Dormancy

As folklore would have us believe, in the early 1990's a 17 year old Tori Spelling auditioned for her father's new series, "Beverly Hills 90210", under a fake name so as to prove that it wasn't nepotism getting her the role but rather her "acting skills". Clearly the idea that any casting directors could watch Tori Spelling "act" and think that she was good enough to be on any television show is too hard to fathom. Therefore most historians believe that she didn't lie about not being Tori Spelling, but, in fact, paid someone else to go to an audition for her under her own name. But, no matter what her method was, she landed the gig and was about to embark on her journey into the American people's souls, and burrow her way into their homes once a week. People were starting to take notice of her awful attempts to show human emotion, and their visceral reactions were a warning sign to them all that this entity, this dark force, this creature was sent from somewhere ugly and scary to do harm to us all. They watched her week after week like a dormant volcano knowing all along that something was bubbling under the surface, something that was ready to explode and destroy everything in its path. This gaunt, scraggly girl with dead eyes and no real emotions, just words that she was reading off a teleprompter in her dead voice, was hungry for blood.

Hollywood Burns

Aaron Spelling's hit series, "Beverly Hills 90210", achieved cult status and, after a ten year run, it ended. Knowing that this show could not stay on forever, Tori had been plotting and scheming for her next move. She had appeared in many Lifetime movies throughout the past ten years, winning over the hearts of single desperate women everywhere, and her run on 90210 had made her face and name as recognizable as she needed it to be to start working on her final solution to the entertainment industry. Tori Spelling was going to single handedly destroy every movie that was in the works, everywhere in Hollywood, by either starring in it, doing cameos, attaching her name to it in any way, running by in the background during filming, working on set design, or simply just breathing near any aspect of the movie. The film industry was slow to pick up on her plan. Everyone just assumed that she was trying to keep her career going and cash in on her 90210 success. She got some small parts in shows and movies. She even had her own series on VH1 for awhile too, under the name "So Notorious", which everyone thought was cute that she could poke fun at herself. The producers of the show, along with the viewers, just assumed she was referring to herself being Notorious because of all the jokes and speculation about her acting skills. Little did they realize that her referring to herself as "notorious" was because she was about to take down everything these people held dear to them, and her name would be synonymous with destruction, sadness, and misery for years to come.
It was the summer of 2007 when the trouble started. Tori Spelling started appearing in TV shows, commercials, and movies on every channel and in every theater. She was doing exactly what her purpose in life was to do. She was destroying everything she touched and the people of America were scared. Couples were out at the movie theater to see romantic comedies, and Tori would rear her emaciated face onto the screen. People settling down at night to watch informative documentaries about history and world issues would find her appearing on the screen, mumbling something idiotic. Children would be watching their favorite cartoons and her voice would be behind one of the cute characters. That's when it all started. It was like an epidemic. Anyone who saw or heard anything that Tori Spelling said or did would get violently ill. They were throwing up in the theaters, over their TV dinners, on their couches and remotes. Their eyes and ears were bleeding and their bodies were twitching. This went on for days as it took awhile for the officials to figure out what was happening. After putting the pieces together and figuring out that all the people that were becoming ill had all just participated in some kind of media viewing. That's when the Tori Spelling Terror Alert System was assembled and put into crisis mode. It was from here that the National Media Security Team decided that the only way to end this outbreak was to quarantine all the victims of the attack. They decided the antidote was simply to put them all into a giant theater and play movies such as The Godfather, Jaws, The Exorcist, Casablanca and other classic movies, in order to rid them of the memory of Tori Spelling. That was how they chose to deal with the victims. As for the poison that infected them, there was only one way to deal with that, and that was by burning every piece of film that she appeared on and every piece of tape that recorded her voice, every magazine that she appeared in. The quickest and easiest way to do that was by burning down the city that started it all, Hollywood.

The Aftermath

The city burned for days. There were no fatalities as the classic movie antidote did the job it was supposed to do. Unfortunately the memory erasing serum that was administered to all the victims of this senseless crime wiped their memories of everything they had seen for the twenty year period that Tori was filmed. But during the days following, all of the victims were shown some of the great movies of our time so that they would not be socially inept when they returned to their normal lives. Another tragedy of this huge attack was that all pieces of film that had been created in that 20 year span had been destroyed. Although it may have been unnecessary, the days during the attack were so panic stricken that the officials had to assume that she had somehow snuck into any movie and there just wasn't enough time to do the proper research. The good news is that Tori Spelling was caught. She was placed in captivity and studied by scientists where they discovered that her DNA was not of this world. The blame was placed on her mother and it was decided in the final reports that her mother was sent here from somewhere that had evil intentions towards our planet. Candy Spelling used Aaron Spelling simply for his links to Hollywood, knowing that her spawn would have the power to influence her father enough to get him to put her on television. Candy Spelling was never seen after the attacks, and therefore was never prosecuted. It was decided that Tori Spelling was innocent in the whole thing. People actually started to feel bad for her, as they realized she was not an evil force, but a dumb girl who actually thought she was good at acting and really just wanted to entertain the public. She had just been under the influence of an evil force that her mother programmed her with. It was after she had been studied that they were able to deprogram her and saw her for the "aww, shucks", twenty something girl she was.

Picking up the Pieces

As time went by, Hollywood was rebuilt and renamed "Hollywood II Back With a Vengeance". Movies went back into production, television was resumed and series started popping up all over the place. The American people did learn one thing though and that was never to just accept a bad actor, or actress, appearing on your screen, and never just deal with it. They learned to revolt against the bad shows and bad acting that was being sold to them and the National Media Security Team developed new technology that allowed people to vote from their homes and remove bad actors from their shows. There was also a terror watch list for people who were suspected of foul play. In the first sweep of this terror watch list, actors such as Vin Diesel, Carrot Top, Paulie Shore, Kathy Griffen, and Paris Hilton were removed from the airwaves. After they were cleared of terrorist suspicions, they fell into the category of "bad actors" and had their SAG cards revoked.
The system seems to be working and there hasn't been another attack like that to date. Also, the quality of television and movies has improved and actors, and actresses, are now required to go to school, or have some kind of professional teaching to receive that title now. And, in some weird way, we have Tori Spelling to thank for that.

French Fries and Cigarettes

French Fries & Cigarettes

I sit out in my car on my lunch breaks, its what you do when you don’t have money to go anywhere. I usually bring a bag of Cheezits from my house and take a complimentary soda from my office and I sit in my car and read my book. When I’m done I go back to work. Sometimes if I’m lucky and I was able to snag enough cigarettes from the house I smoke one before I go back inside. This week though, I had money. I’ve bought French Fries at the little cafeteria everyday this week. They are only a dollar and a nickel and they give me a whole lot of fries, like way more than a dollars worth. I wonder if they know that I’m broke and they pity me so they give me extra. I pay with exact change every time and they never have to break big bills for me so they must know that I’m dirt poor. Maybe I’m just being paranoid though. Anyways, The French fries are cheap and that’s a plus but the added bonus is that I have been hung-over everyday this week and greasy food is exactly what I’m craving. The best part of having money again is that I now have the means to be hung-over everyday. You wouldn’t think that would be something I would be shooting for, hangovers, but my hangovers are nice because it means that I got some sleep. Sleeping doesn’t come easy to me, but after 5 beers I usually don’t have much problem falling to sleep. I still wake up throughout the night sometimes so that’s why I take sleeping pills. That’s all a lie. I drink every night because I like beer. I could care less if I never slept again. As long as I had beer. I like going to the store to get it, I like bringing it home, putting it in the fridge and then drinking it. It tastes good, it makes my cigarettes better, it keeps me company. People seem to think drinking by yourself is taboo but I think those people are stupid. You aren’t drinking by yourself when beer is your companion. Your pretty much holding hands with it, and you probably wouldn’t be doing that with your friends. Besides if you feel weird about drinking by yourself put the TV on, or better yet call one of your friends. People love getting drunk dialed at 11pm on a work night. They want to hear you slur and stumble on your words as you tell them about the wicked funny commercial you just saw. If they tell you they’re sleeping, call them a pussy and hang up on them. Then call them back over and over again. Make it your own little game, ruining someone’s night. Then the next day when someone asks you what you did last night you have something to say instead of “drank by myself, watched TV.” Now you can say, “Oh man, it was the best night ever, I got wasted and then I called Tim all night, first it was just his cell phone, but then he shut it off, so I started calling the house, and then his wife picked up the phone and I could hear the baby crying in the background, I got him soooo good.” Much better story right? I stray, basically I like money. I enjoy the security it brings. Tasty French Fries to nurse my beautiful hangover that awarded me an excellent night of sleep and then a nice cigarette after my lunch. Who cares if I sit in my room and drink by myself, and who cares if I sit in my car and eat by myself? I’m having a better time than people who have lots of money and can go out and drink at bars with other people and who go to restaurants for their lunch. Hmmm maybe I should bring the beer with me and drink it in my car on my break that would be a double whammy. Now that’s something to think about.

Clyde the Dancing Turtle

Clyde. A Short Story
Chapter 1
Ladies Love Lyle

Once upon a time there was a town called Winchestertonfieldville, known to townies as The Chest. And in this town there was a Toy Factory, one of the employees there went by the name of Lyle Ovary and this employee was unlike and of the other mindless workers. He had style, he was high class, the ladies swooned for him and he had moves that nobody had ever seen before. Lyle was a funky doctor and nobody could step to him on the dance floor. The only reason he worked at the factory was so he could earn the money to buy the snazzy threads he wore out to his dance-offs. He made costumes out of the most ridiculous patterns. You could catch Lyle in a top hat, striped cape and tap shoes and there was no doubt that he’d look better than you. He had a signature carnation that he attached to whatever he was wearing, Lyle believed that by always having something living and fragrant on him he would be able to seduce his dance-off opponents into a trancelike state and then he would take over with his suave boogie. People came from miles away to catch Lyle destroying his rivals on the floor; they had to see for themselves the smoke that rose from the soles of his shoes when he danced. Always a confident dancer Lyle never got nervous about losing. The ladies were powerless to his smarmy come-ons and it is common knowledge that 75% of the children born in the year 1999 were from his seed. Lyle woke up everyday of the week and went off to his job at the factory and at night he went to dance competitions and wooed the people that came to see him. Lyle’s costumes got more and more ridiculous as time went on. One day he made a costume of freshly sliced ham that was sown onto his suspenders and thick pleather pants. There was a busload of woman stopping through The Chest on their way to a beauty pageant and he wanted to impregnate as many as he could so he felt he needed to step up his game to get these woman into his clutches. Because they weren’t local they didn’t know the legend of Lyle yet so he had to make an impression first. Lyle had an idea for some new dancing shoes. He went out to the woods and he shot a grizzly bear and took it to his neighbor who was an amateur taxidermist. His neighbor skinned the bear’s legs and fancied Lyle a pair of bearskin boots. The only problem was they didn’t have enough time to let the blood dry on the inside of them because the competition was just hours away so Lyle would just have to grin and bear it. Lyle danced his ass of that night and everyone raved about his stylish boots, he was invited onto the bus with the beauty pageant contestants where he got the woman on there to partake in his perverse sexual fetishes. When Lyle got home that night he felt on top of the world, he removed his garments and sat down to take off his new boots. It was then that he made the grim discovery that the blood from the bearskin had been absorbed into his skin while he was sweating on the dance floor. He had a horrid rash and bubbles of skin were popping on his legs. Lyle rushed to see the town doctor where test results showed that the Bear that Lyle killed and skinned was infected was a deadly form of Syphilis and Lyle had contracted it. It turned out Lyle wasn’t the only one sleeping with all the woman in The Chest. The doctor told Lyle he had two months to live and he would have to stop dancing during that time. Lyle was devastated. He wallowed in his misery for the first few weeks but then he had a revelation. He would teach his moves on the dance floor and in the bedroom to someone and that person could carry out his legacy. Lyle thought long and hard about who was worthy enough to carry this important job. All of the town’s kids were already carrying his DNA but he knew they would eventually die of some form of Sexually Transmitted Disease someday too, so he thought of the next best thing. Something immortal, something incapable of catching disease. A toy. He spent his days manufacturing toys and he knew the brought joy to people young and old. He knew the ins and outs of the toy making industry if he could just program one to be exactly like him then it would carry on in his place. The next day he carefully studied all the dancing turtles as they went by on the conveyor belt and he went for the one he felt a connection to the most. He spent his last few weeks with this turtle as he tampered with the wiring in it making him charming, sexy and arrogant instead of cute, cuddly and fun. He showed him his dance moves and the turtle picked them up very quickly. Lyle was very sick by this point but he managed to crawl to the factory one last time and place a carnation on his Dancing Turtle protégé. Thats when it came to life and Lyle died there on the floor of the factory.


Chapter 2
I Will Call Him Clyde

In a little town of Quincy a far, far distance from The Chest there was a delivery made to a store called Wal-Mart right in time for Christmas. A shipment of 100 dancing turtles was delivered and the turtles were removed from their boxes and placed on the shelves. Right around that time some socially prominent residents of Quincy known as Maggots were invited to a charity event at a VFW. It was an unlikely thing for the Maggots to do on a weekend night, donating their time, good looks, wit and sex appeal for charity, but it was at the request of their Maggot friend Nicole that they attend. They were promised free food and cheap beer as long as they brought along a five-dollar gift to be donated for children on Christmas. So the Maggots all borrowed five dollars from a family member or Non-Maggot friend and headed out to the stores to grab a gift off the shelf on their way to the free food and cheap beer. Two Maggots in particular named Beakey, and T decided that they needed to get stoned to endure the arduous task of going to a store and buying a toy. They wandered around the Wal-Mart discussing how ridiculously stoned they were when Beakey saw the Dancing Turtle display. He grabbed one off the shelf while exclaiming “Yes, that’s it!” From there T picked out some bumming Barbie and they headed to the register. While they were in line they ran into Quincy’s best looking couple and fellow Maggots Shawn and Liz. They all talked and compared toys and it was decided that the dancing turtle was the coolest of the toys and it was then that Beakey proclaimed, “I will call him Clyde”. They all parted ways with plans to meet up at the VFW. When everyone got to the charity event there were designated buckets for the toys to be dropped in, but Beakey saw the reaction Clyde was getting for his moves and he knew it had potential to upstage everyone on the dance floor and steal all the women from their men. That night Clyde stole the hearts of everyone at the party, young and old. DJ Dow, the bartender, the old veterans, Beakey’s kids, Paul and Stina, Heather Means, and all the other maggots could feel the spirit of Lyle that night, and Lyle Ovary was looking down from his own Boogie Heaven and he was proud at what he had created. Beakey walked out of that VFW Hall that night, the rpoud owner and friend of a Dancing Turtle named Clyde.

Lunch Time in Dedham

I sit in my usual seat and dig into my fries and Dr.Pepper like I do almost always. I’m reading Junky by William S. Burroughs, Ive been reading this friggen book for like a month. It doesn’t take me long to read books usually, its just that I get distracted and find it hard to sit in a noisy cafeteria and focus. I’m basically just holding the book so I don’t look stupid sitting by myself eating. Then this girl comes in and sits at the table in front of mine, but instead of sitting in the chair facing the wall like I’m doing, she sits and faces me. I’m curious about this chick now cause I don’t like that she just made me uncomfortable and pretty much is forcing me to look at her face. She also takes out a book and her lunch but her lunch is from home. It consists of Mini bagels with jelly on them, yogurt, and a bottle of water. I immediately start to note the differences between my unhealthy lunch and her carefully packed healthy lunch. She is wearing some lame business suit outfit and has glasses and bangs and looks like a nerd, but she seems to be about my age. I wonder what she’s reading and what else she has in that giant black bag that’s on the table that just moments ago held her lunch. I imagine its all boring stuff and make a list of what I think is in there. This is what my list consisted of; books, date book, umbrella, T-pass, mittens and ear muffs, tickets to a Star Trek convention she bought for her boyfriends birthday. I realize I’m getting carried away and my stereotypes about nerds are so cliché. Then I take a look at my outfit and start to think, Hmmm I don’t look all that cool today either. And I certainly don’t look like the type of person I am. I suppose the food I am eating and the fact I am reading a book about heroin might tell a little about my lifestyle but still I look like your regular office drone with no personality and no life. There is no way that if this girl were looking at me right now and trying to figure me out she would know that I once spent an entire morning chasing crack dealers around Blue Hill Ave in a car with my crippled friend who had just gotten out of the hospital after 30 something surgeries. And I was chasing the crack dealers because he ripped me off not because I was trying clean up the streets. So now after remembering the whole ‘looks can be deceiving thing’ Im rethinking what this chick has got in her bag and what she might be reading. My curiosity gets the best of me and I go and sit at her table. I look at her book and there are no words on the pages. I ask why she is starring at a blank book.
She says “Shit they’re gonna kill me”
I say “Who?”
She says “I was sent here by my superiors to scout out potential members for our growing group”
I inquire as to what kind of group she’s talking about, thinking its some cult or like Gay Pride shit or something.
She tells me “Well its similar to the Take Back the Night movement which was organized by rape victims to overcome their grief and regain control after being assaulted.
I interrupt and laugh out “Yeah I saw that 90210, who was it that got raped again on that show? Oh right, everyone. Haha”
She looks annoyed and continues on “But its called Take Back The Day and its for employees who want to get back at the Man who holds them down every day, the coworkers who rat you out for things, the people who ‘take work seriously’ and any person who has ever told you to “get a goddamn job”
I start to laugh and cant believe anything she just said to me so I look into the giant black tote bag to find evidence that she is just screwing with me. There aren’t any umbrellas or date books in there. Instead I see files, all of which have my name on them. There is a file from every job I have ever had and they all have a big stamp on the top that says “terminated” I realize she is dead serious and I ask
“How long have you been watching me?”
She says “We’re very interested in you and we think your awful work ethic and complete lack of interest in a steady income and security are honorable. We also think you do a pretty good job sticking it to the man everyday by banging in all the time and making your own schedule. We are looking for someone who will lead us and show us new ways to get back at all the employers and businesses who made us sit through staff meetings and online training courses and compliance training.”
I tell her Im honored and touched that they think so highly of my usually frowned upon behavior.
I say “Its nice to finally be recognized for all the efforts I’ve made to stay in bed an extra 20 minutes each morning and get blind drunk every work night. Im glad you appreciate the dirty clothes and ripped sweaters I wear to work everyday”
She says “ Look, Liz we’ve been studying your records, We are more than impressed. Is it true that you didnt show up for work for an entire month once and you didn’t get fired? Did you really get a raise after not showing up for two days without even calling in? Did you actually get out of having to come in on a Saturday because you claimed to have “Dental Obligations” ? We read in your files that you once had a job that paid you $16 dollars an hour to read magazines and listen to the radio but you quit because they had cockroaches in the building. Were you really fired for sleeping on the floor of the classroom you were supposed to be watching?”
She was frantic at this point my files were all opened on the table and she was ripping through them. I casually sat back and took a bite out of one of her mini bagels and very arrogantly said ”Yeah, that stuff is all true”
She asked me “Will you please come join our group, teach us how to slack off and act like an asshole and get promotions. Teach us how to get back at the people who complain about our Internet usage. Lead us and we will pay you for your trouble, you could quit this job right now and join us and share your knowledge with us and we will pay you triple what you are getting paid now”
I considered it for 2 seconds and said “yeah I don’t think so, that sounds like a lot of work and Im pretty much all set with not having to do anything all day so Im probably not the best person for the job.”
I left her there, confused with my files still all over the table. I couldn’t understand how she could think after reviewing my past work experience that I would want to lead a group of slackers. The whole thing was contradictory; forming a group and having meetings and stuff just to get back at people for making you do work. It seemed like a whole lot of work in itself I thought and I got better things to do.