"I just want to be alright"

I was in a semi consience state this morning while Shawn struggled to get me up for work. Too many pills last night made it extra tough to get with the program this morning. Dr.s orders, take 20 of these and call me in the morning. So as I sat at the end of the bed with my fists clenched and my eyes unfocused and my brain still in a sleeping state, I mumbled the words "I just want to be alright". Sleep talking wisdom. I dont think I could sum up the way I feel lately in a better way than that. I just want to be alright.

Duck, Duck, Duck Duck, HATE

I'm not a stranger to dissapointment, so I dont really understand why I take it so bad everytime I am let down. Trust is a very powerful thing to give to someone- your trust in them not to hurt you. Your trust in them to only look out for your best intentions. I have had few good friends throughout my life who have never betrayed this trust. My first "best friend" I had for 22 years she died before she ever got the chance to hurt me so I miss her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I have opened myself up to having another best friend But every other person along the way has in some way or another broken my heart, made me even more cynical, changed me in some way. Nicole and Eric being the exceptions. In my opinion when someone is your friend, truly your friend, you should be able to make mistakes, butt heads and disgaree with them, go months without talking and not have them turn their backs on you. I cannot even tell you the amounts of people in my life who have taken this route. Just up and said "Fuck you Im all set with ya". Immediate family included. I think Im pretty up front about the kind of person I am when I meet people. They usually have an idea what they are signing on for before they decided if they want to be my friend or not... so I dont undestand how if I mess up and make a mistake you could flip so motherfucking quick on me that you now wish I was dead. Honestly the amount of times that this has happened to me in my life is astonishing.. I dont know what it is about me that makes it so easy for people to give up on me and turn their backs. I wish I did so I could change it and make them stop doing it but in the meantime I will have to stay untrusting and cynical to protect myself from being abandoned again.

Phrases that need to die..

1. "What happens in Vegas stay in Vegas"

I swear to fucking god I hate this phrase more than any other in the world. I hate it even more when people replace Vegas with whatever location they are talking about. Such as "What happens in the closet of my upstairs bedroom, stays in the closet of my upstairs bedroom". Just leave it alone. If any of my friends were to ever utter this phrase after returning from Las Vegas I would immediately question their worthiness of my friendship.


2. "That's Hot!"

You are not Paris Hilton and you shouldnt want to be. To say this is the equivalent of saying "I have no brain and therefore cannot think of any other way to express my feelings for whatever it is I am talking about." Also Paris Hilton I raise my middle finger to you for contributing to the dumbing down of America.


3. "See you next year!" (Often said as an employee leaves work on New Years Eve)

No you will not see me next year you will see me the day after tomorrow. Yes it is technically a New Year but the time elapsed between your exit from work on New Years and your return from work on January 2nd has not equalled a year. Also, you are not the first person to come up with this witty idea, so just let it rest. If you feel the need to say something as you leave work why don't you try "Happy New Year" or even "Goodbye".

4. "Shit Happens"


No shit huh? If this is the only response you can come up with after someone tells you about their troubles then sympathy is obviously beyond you. Instead of saying "Shit Happens" you could say "look, thats too bad that you are having a tough time with things but I dont have any advice for you. Stop bitching to me and go whine to someone who cares."


5. "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda"


I first heard this one when I was playing cards with one of my uncles. He said it everytime someone said "Oh I shoulda folded" or anything like that and he would say "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda" and I was like 'Yeah I know thats what I just said'. It just seems to serve no purpose except for rubbing it into the persons face who didnt trust their first instinct. .


6. "Money doesn't buy happiness"

Until I am in a position to truthfully say this myself, I don't want to hear it.

7. "You can't have your cake and eat it too"

LIES! Yes you fucking can have your cake and it eat it to. I have never met a person who bought themselves, or were given a cake and were not allowed to eat it. Where did this phrase come from and why do people still use it.

BOSTON

Oh how I love you. Every once in a while I have a moment were I realize how amazing this city is. Its usually in the winter when the cold air and the setting sun outline the buildings so perfectly that I can't stop staring at them. Today is one of those days.

The Sickness

My skin literally feels like what you might imagine a lizard with cooking oil all over it feels like. My nose and throat like a vaccuum cleaner bag exploded in my face while I was yawning. I want to go home and lay down but the bed will just make my bones hurt worse. The ground outside is covered in shit colored snow and its so fucking cold out that the sentence "motherfucker its is FREEZING out" is all that goes through my head. When I cough I can taste remnants of cigarettes and other shit that was inhaled days ago. I hate being sick. I hate being sick I hate being sick. Go away sick. Stop now. I swear Ill sleep better and start wearing a jacket just leave me be.

Public Transportation Sucks

Wake up, brush teeth, head out the door, gross orange pill under my tongue, cigarette, bus, fuck off, Curry, time check-late, "free metro", "no thanks, got a book", waiting waiting, Train rolls in, frantic seat hungry asians, read my book, hide my face under my; hood, sunglasses, and pages, Wollaston, North Quincy, the long haul to JFK where my back feels like its breaking, "two more stops Liz hang in there", "South Station change here for commuter rail and silver line", Ahhhh so close, Hike up the very steep steps because its good excercise and then curse myself for not taking the escalator, too early in the morning to be pushing my body so hard, Next set of steps I take the escalator, cigarettes and lighter ready, cold blast of air "Free Boston Now" , "No thanks, Got a book", "spare change Miss" "sorry wish I could help", three blocks to work, comfort soon, hang in there, sit at my desk and feel the awesome relief in my lower back and put the space heater on, Lunch time, no money, no shit, 5pm time to leave, blast of cold in my face, cigarette, "spare change" "im broke sorry", "Free Boston Now" I just wave my book in the face, charlie card-not enough funds, no shit, scrape together some change, train, fuck off, Quincy Center, Donuts smell so good, laugh to myself abnout how pathetic not being able to afford a donut, bus, Curry, walk up the hill in shoes that are soaked, temporary home, walk upstairs, change, lay down. Ten hours until its time to do it all over again. Fuck, my life is so repititous, if thats even a word. Just plow through the next two months and things will be better.

Who says Public Tranportation Sucks

I overheard the most hiliarious conversation between two girls who appeared to be around 19 years old. It was on the bus this morning and it went like this.
Girl One "Why wouldnt your brother give you a ride?"
Girl two "Cause he's a fucking asshole.. but its alright I got him back, cause as soon as he left for work I went in his room and stole his money"

Pause and silence between them both for about One Minute

Girl Two "I really hope he gets attacked by rabid monkeys"

Awesome. But that wasnt the end of the awesomeness, They started talking about something else for a while and the girl Two casually says

" I think Im gonna take a nap today at nap time" (Im assuming they work at a daycare)

Girl One "I think Im gonna shoot myself in the face today"
Girl Two "well at least wait and do it after nap time"
Girl One "Yeah Good point"

Silence for a little while and then
Girl One says to Girl Two "hey I saw Hooker Mary this morning if that makes you feel any better"
Girl Two "oh yeah what was she wearing?"
Girl One "Red Spandex"
Girl Two "hooker Mary is gonna catch pnemonia today"

That was the end of the conversation.Thank you girls for making my morning memorable with your hilarious conversation