Dead Eyes

Everytime I pass the mirror today I see my reflection and I cannot help but notice that there is no life in my fucking eyes. I have been a zombie for the past few days and the mouse keeps running on her wheel and its all I can hear and I think its tipping the bad chemicals into my brain at lightning speed. The paint on my toes is all chipped but the idea of painting my toes hot pink today is so fucking ludicrous i can only look at my feet and laugh because it means that at some point in the past few weeks I was happy enough to paint them hot pink. I couldnt smile if somebody paid me a buck. Which is more than I have in my wallet. My dead best friends brother across the street is having house parties all week and I cant help but get pissed at the sound of people having fun over there because I know if she was still alive we would be partying and her little brother would only be allowed to have a couple people over. And we would have reign of the kitchen area. I keep meaning to watch a comedy to lighten my spirit but when I get into the On Demand menu I go for doom and gloom. I cannot get in touch with my boyfriend because neither of us has operating cell phones and I cant call his grandmothers house this late and he cant call my parents house this late and if that isnt the most pathetic thing you've ever heard I dont know what is. I just brushed my teeth in an attempt at being human and got toothpaste all over my shirt. Today is only Thursday. I have nothing planned for the immediate future except for a wedding on the 15th that I wish I didnt agree to and no money to do anything until I get my second to last unemployment check next tuesday. I got one of those lumps in my throat you know the kind that dont go away. I wanna cry and I cant and its gonna be there until I do. The days keep passing me by and I miss my apartment and beng able to see my bf everyday and not having the constant worry that I am going to make my mom mad. I did some writing on paper earlier that was so fucking dark I folded it up real tiny and hid it under my clothes in the closet. I thought maybe if I purged onto paper I would feel better but obviously not cause here I am publicy purging and I still feel crummy. So Im gonna shut the lights off so I can't see my blank face in the mirror and maybe tomorrow will be a little better. If not the mouse is being moved out to the garage since I blame all this on the incessant sound of that fucking wheel.

Greeting Politicians with weapons

So earlier today I'm laying in bed cleaning out my pocketbook. So I noticed there was tons of sand in my switchblade or knife whatever. So I start cleaning it out when I hear a knock at my door so I go down and answer it. Its former Mayor Bill Phelan and he wants to leave a pamphlet and try to win my vote. So I open the door for him to give me the pamphlet and the politicians handshake but I forgot I had a rather sharp knife in my hand and he saw it and totally stepped back a few inches. So I put the knife in my left hand and reached out to shake his with my right and tell him I voted for him before and was planning to vote for him again. To which he thanked me and said have a nice night all the while staring at my absentmindedly knife weilding hand. It was more than fucking hilarious as I realized what had just occured..

IM BACK

I didnt mean to abandon my page completely not that it matters cause nobody reads it anyways I have been without computer access for over a year. Once I get back to work I will be a blogging machine again so my audience of zero should be psyched!

"I just want to be alright"

I was in a semi consience state this morning while Shawn struggled to get me up for work. Too many pills last night made it extra tough to get with the program this morning. Dr.s orders, take 20 of these and call me in the morning. So as I sat at the end of the bed with my fists clenched and my eyes unfocused and my brain still in a sleeping state, I mumbled the words "I just want to be alright". Sleep talking wisdom. I dont think I could sum up the way I feel lately in a better way than that. I just want to be alright.

Duck, Duck, Duck Duck, HATE

I'm not a stranger to dissapointment, so I dont really understand why I take it so bad everytime I am let down. Trust is a very powerful thing to give to someone- your trust in them not to hurt you. Your trust in them to only look out for your best intentions. I have had few good friends throughout my life who have never betrayed this trust. My first "best friend" I had for 22 years she died before she ever got the chance to hurt me so I miss her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I have opened myself up to having another best friend But every other person along the way has in some way or another broken my heart, made me even more cynical, changed me in some way. Nicole and Eric being the exceptions. In my opinion when someone is your friend, truly your friend, you should be able to make mistakes, butt heads and disgaree with them, go months without talking and not have them turn their backs on you. I cannot even tell you the amounts of people in my life who have taken this route. Just up and said "Fuck you Im all set with ya". Immediate family included. I think Im pretty up front about the kind of person I am when I meet people. They usually have an idea what they are signing on for before they decided if they want to be my friend or not... so I dont undestand how if I mess up and make a mistake you could flip so motherfucking quick on me that you now wish I was dead. Honestly the amount of times that this has happened to me in my life is astonishing.. I dont know what it is about me that makes it so easy for people to give up on me and turn their backs. I wish I did so I could change it and make them stop doing it but in the meantime I will have to stay untrusting and cynical to protect myself from being abandoned again.

Phrases that need to die..

1. "What happens in Vegas stay in Vegas"

I swear to fucking god I hate this phrase more than any other in the world. I hate it even more when people replace Vegas with whatever location they are talking about. Such as "What happens in the closet of my upstairs bedroom, stays in the closet of my upstairs bedroom". Just leave it alone. If any of my friends were to ever utter this phrase after returning from Las Vegas I would immediately question their worthiness of my friendship.


2. "That's Hot!"

You are not Paris Hilton and you shouldnt want to be. To say this is the equivalent of saying "I have no brain and therefore cannot think of any other way to express my feelings for whatever it is I am talking about." Also Paris Hilton I raise my middle finger to you for contributing to the dumbing down of America.


3. "See you next year!" (Often said as an employee leaves work on New Years Eve)

No you will not see me next year you will see me the day after tomorrow. Yes it is technically a New Year but the time elapsed between your exit from work on New Years and your return from work on January 2nd has not equalled a year. Also, you are not the first person to come up with this witty idea, so just let it rest. If you feel the need to say something as you leave work why don't you try "Happy New Year" or even "Goodbye".

4. "Shit Happens"


No shit huh? If this is the only response you can come up with after someone tells you about their troubles then sympathy is obviously beyond you. Instead of saying "Shit Happens" you could say "look, thats too bad that you are having a tough time with things but I dont have any advice for you. Stop bitching to me and go whine to someone who cares."


5. "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda"


I first heard this one when I was playing cards with one of my uncles. He said it everytime someone said "Oh I shoulda folded" or anything like that and he would say "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda" and I was like 'Yeah I know thats what I just said'. It just seems to serve no purpose except for rubbing it into the persons face who didnt trust their first instinct. .


6. "Money doesn't buy happiness"

Until I am in a position to truthfully say this myself, I don't want to hear it.

7. "You can't have your cake and eat it too"

LIES! Yes you fucking can have your cake and it eat it to. I have never met a person who bought themselves, or were given a cake and were not allowed to eat it. Where did this phrase come from and why do people still use it.

BOSTON

Oh how I love you. Every once in a while I have a moment were I realize how amazing this city is. Its usually in the winter when the cold air and the setting sun outline the buildings so perfectly that I can't stop staring at them. Today is one of those days.