An Old Poem about Myself.

Little Lizzi weak bladder runs her mouth with non-stop chatter
Too many thoughts too finish each one so I start another one before the last ones done
My brain maps might be hard to follow but Ill explain them to you if you got time I can borrow
See there is a method to my madness its called attention deficit distractedness with a little hyperactivity thrown in the mix
Which will help explain the constant fidgets I’ve been to doctors and therapist so I know my conditions legit.
I can’t listen when you talk to me.. directions, names and numbers are lost on me.
Sometimes I see something shiny and I lose my train of thought
Every once in a while you might think you got me caught
But I can trick you into thinking I know what you just said
I do this with a “yeah” and a nod of my head.
Its not that I’m stupid or that I just don’t care its just I got too much of my own sh*t going on up there.
Not all of its profound not all of it’s worth thinking about
Mostly Im just thinking of what Im gonna wear next time I go out.
But you still can’t hold my interest and I still can’t pay attention.
I’m just involved in my own thoughts and having my own conversation
So don’t blame yourself or think your boring me
I just have too many wheels turning in my head that you can’t see.

death car for blondie

bad luck comes when you need it the least .I recently totalled my car in an act of sheer stupidity, driving along with my eyes glued to the phone and then BOOM airbag smashing me in the face and tearing the skin off my arm. but and this is the good part- the guy i hit was the one who was wasted, not me. so i dont feel as guilty and stupid as i have after most of my transgressions behind the wheel. so two months from now i will have wheels again and bitch'll be locking the phone in the trunk to avoid the need to answer texts while driving. adhd has proven to be a bitch when im behind the wheel. Ive never claimed to  be a good driver and most of my friends suffer anxiety attacks when their in the whip with me. Two other shitty things went wrong this last  month thats a little too personal for public viewing, and then i had to have another molar ripped from the roots of my skull. the dentist and his assistant had to hold my head in place while he tugged back and forth on the stubborn motherfucker of a tooth. but anyway, Ive had it good the past 10 months after i got my life together so I really can't complain about a little bad luck. Can't cruise thru life with no speed bumps. Gotta say this Kanyes Cruel Summer is making my life much better lately. The CD kicks ass and my Ipod was recently flooded with new music to the point i got no memory left but i just keep listening to Cruel Summer and Pusha T. As my dear friend Pamela would say I'm kinda living for it. its near the end of october and its a beautiful day, I'm rocking a wifebeater and i aint even chilly. Speaking of wifebeaters. my awful cat that my mom and me adopted 6 months ago got stuck in my room this morning when the door blew shut and i was sleeping so to get revenge she pissed all over the outift i had laid out for today. calculating little fucker. she knew. sorry for the lower case i started this blog on my phone and its a bitch to capitilize so thats that. anyways all I'm trying to say is when bad luck comes you just gotta roll thru it and after a few weeks it becomes a distant memory. then you got nice weather and good music and everything feels a little bit sunnier. i got burns on my arm from the accident and a gaping hole in my gums and no whip to get me anywhere but instead of dwelling on it im just pretending it didnt happen and in a few months life will be back on track..

Writers Block

So being on anti psychotics can seriously take away someones ability to write so I've been avoiding it for years. It breaks my heart to not have any inspiration to write anymore I see all the shit I wrote on here a couple years ago and clearly I had some free time, mania, and creativity. It'll come back to me I just have to practice. So its been 9 months without using any opiates. Living somewhat clean or at least 95% clean still having some beers occasionally but compared to where I was the last time I was typing on here its a fucking miracle. Lots of hard work but so totally worth it in the end. I lost another great friend to drugs. I always considered him invincible so his death was a wake up call. Albeit I've had a million wake up calls but this time I listened.. I'm Done with that shit. I just bought a car. Staring looking into schools, got back some jewellery and self respect All things I had basically abandoned and I never thought I'd have again... Trying out the AA scene and it aint the worst thing in the world like I used to think it was. Still going to outpatient treatment at Adcare.  I'm trying to remember where I  was the last 5 and 1/2 years though cause Im finding myself getting snotty with people who are still using and I don't mean to do that it just frustrates me to see people making the same mistakes and not getting out of their own way. I don't wanna become Sunshine Suzy with the creepy AA glazed eyes and sobriety slogans but I'm doing things different this time and hopefully good will come out of it. Ill end this with my new favorite quote that I got inked on my ribs last month "sometimes the brightest lights come from the darkest places"

Blah

I got no inspriration these days nothing decent worth writing about so Ill see ya when I see ya.

Nothing makes me happier

Than natural disasters. Christ when I see a "Breaking News Tornado Tears apart Town" news report I am filled with glee. I don't want to see people get hurt or die or have their possesions destroyed I just love inclement weather. I look forward to Hurricane season with anticipation that only a child feels on Christams Eve. Unfortunately up here in Boston we don't get many hurricanes, once every 10 years or something. The ocean is my other Favorite thing in the entire world. You give me a big nasty fucking storm thats got the ocean involved all crazy and wild and I am literally puking rainbows out of excitement. Indonesia just had a Tsunami, lucky fucks. I'll be tuned into Anderson Cooper 360 for the next week glued to the images of hugemongous waves wiping out whole fucking cities. I dont mean to be insensitive but my entertainment is my number one priority. It sucks when people die, I know that and it makes me sad so I cry while watching this shit on tv and its a weird and messy mixture of crying and smiling while being mesmorized by gusts of wind and massive waves. I dunno. I know what I like, and I like storms. I just saw OJ Simpson on tv and I thought "I wonder if OJ likes bad weather, like me?" and the thought alone made me laugh so hard I almost choked on the orange I am eating. too much excitement for one evening. I'm out-

Congratulations

To Beak Wilder on his blog that has been recognized by Quincy's Patriot Ledger. Keep it up.

Professional Help

So I went to the Behavioral Therapist that I am forced to see so I can keep getting Scrips for xanax and she told me she had never in all her years of Therapy met anyone who had as many issues with sleep as I do. She said Its almost like you look at sleep as a challenge that is waiting for you at the end of every day. This is true I said. Even at 10 am I am already stressed about the going to sleep process that will come in 12 hours. I havent even been having the problems I usually have while sleeping in the past 6 months but I still stress about it. And I don't even have to wake up for anything in the morning , so she plans on having me fixed up before I get a job and have to get to sleep and wake up at scheduled times. Good luck lady. Your about to tackle 15 year bad sleep habits and dependence on sleep aids. Ill be forever in her debt if it works.

Dead Eyes

Everytime I pass the mirror today I see my reflection and I cannot help but notice that there is no life in my fucking eyes. I have been a zombie for the past few days and the mouse keeps running on her wheel and its all I can hear and I think its tipping the bad chemicals into my brain at lightning speed. The paint on my toes is all chipped but the idea of painting my toes hot pink today is so fucking ludicrous i can only look at my feet and laugh because it means that at some point in the past few weeks I was happy enough to paint them hot pink. I couldnt smile if somebody paid me a buck. Which is more than I have in my wallet. My dead best friends brother across the street is having house parties all week and I cant help but get pissed at the sound of people having fun over there because I know if she was still alive we would be partying and her little brother would only be allowed to have a couple people over. And we would have reign of the kitchen area. I keep meaning to watch a comedy to lighten my spirit but when I get into the On Demand menu I go for doom and gloom. I cannot get in touch with my boyfriend because neither of us has operating cell phones and I cant call his grandmothers house this late and he cant call my parents house this late and if that isnt the most pathetic thing you've ever heard I dont know what is. I just brushed my teeth in an attempt at being human and got toothpaste all over my shirt. Today is only Thursday. I have nothing planned for the immediate future except for a wedding on the 15th that I wish I didnt agree to and no money to do anything until I get my second to last unemployment check next tuesday. I got one of those lumps in my throat you know the kind that dont go away. I wanna cry and I cant and its gonna be there until I do. The days keep passing me by and I miss my apartment and beng able to see my bf everyday and not having the constant worry that I am going to make my mom mad. I did some writing on paper earlier that was so fucking dark I folded it up real tiny and hid it under my clothes in the closet. I thought maybe if I purged onto paper I would feel better but obviously not cause here I am publicy purging and I still feel crummy. So Im gonna shut the lights off so I can't see my blank face in the mirror and maybe tomorrow will be a little better. If not the mouse is being moved out to the garage since I blame all this on the incessant sound of that fucking wheel.

Greeting Politicians with weapons

So earlier today I'm laying in bed cleaning out my pocketbook. So I noticed there was tons of sand in my switchblade or knife whatever. So I start cleaning it out when I hear a knock at my door so I go down and answer it. Its former Mayor Bill Phelan and he wants to leave a pamphlet and try to win my vote. So I open the door for him to give me the pamphlet and the politicians handshake but I forgot I had a rather sharp knife in my hand and he saw it and totally stepped back a few inches. So I put the knife in my left hand and reached out to shake his with my right and tell him I voted for him before and was planning to vote for him again. To which he thanked me and said have a nice night all the while staring at my absentmindedly knife weilding hand. It was more than fucking hilarious as I realized what had just occured..

IM BACK

I didnt mean to abandon my page completely not that it matters cause nobody reads it anyways I have been without computer access for over a year. Once I get back to work I will be a blogging machine again so my audience of zero should be psyched!

"I just want to be alright"

I was in a semi consience state this morning while Shawn struggled to get me up for work. Too many pills last night made it extra tough to get with the program this morning. Dr.s orders, take 20 of these and call me in the morning. So as I sat at the end of the bed with my fists clenched and my eyes unfocused and my brain still in a sleeping state, I mumbled the words "I just want to be alright". Sleep talking wisdom. I dont think I could sum up the way I feel lately in a better way than that. I just want to be alright.

Duck, Duck, Duck Duck, HATE

I'm not a stranger to dissapointment, so I dont really understand why I take it so bad everytime I am let down. Trust is a very powerful thing to give to someone- your trust in them not to hurt you. Your trust in them to only look out for your best intentions. I have had few good friends throughout my life who have never betrayed this trust. My first "best friend" I had for 22 years she died before she ever got the chance to hurt me so I miss her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I have opened myself up to having another best friend But every other person along the way has in some way or another broken my heart, made me even more cynical, changed me in some way. Nicole and Eric being the exceptions. In my opinion when someone is your friend, truly your friend, you should be able to make mistakes, butt heads and disgaree with them, go months without talking and not have them turn their backs on you. I cannot even tell you the amounts of people in my life who have taken this route. Just up and said "Fuck you Im all set with ya". Immediate family included. I think Im pretty up front about the kind of person I am when I meet people. They usually have an idea what they are signing on for before they decided if they want to be my friend or not... so I dont undestand how if I mess up and make a mistake you could flip so motherfucking quick on me that you now wish I was dead. Honestly the amount of times that this has happened to me in my life is astonishing.. I dont know what it is about me that makes it so easy for people to give up on me and turn their backs. I wish I did so I could change it and make them stop doing it but in the meantime I will have to stay untrusting and cynical to protect myself from being abandoned again.

Phrases that need to die..

1. "What happens in Vegas stay in Vegas"

I swear to fucking god I hate this phrase more than any other in the world. I hate it even more when people replace Vegas with whatever location they are talking about. Such as "What happens in the closet of my upstairs bedroom, stays in the closet of my upstairs bedroom". Just leave it alone. If any of my friends were to ever utter this phrase after returning from Las Vegas I would immediately question their worthiness of my friendship.


2. "That's Hot!"

You are not Paris Hilton and you shouldnt want to be. To say this is the equivalent of saying "I have no brain and therefore cannot think of any other way to express my feelings for whatever it is I am talking about." Also Paris Hilton I raise my middle finger to you for contributing to the dumbing down of America.


3. "See you next year!" (Often said as an employee leaves work on New Years Eve)

No you will not see me next year you will see me the day after tomorrow. Yes it is technically a New Year but the time elapsed between your exit from work on New Years and your return from work on January 2nd has not equalled a year. Also, you are not the first person to come up with this witty idea, so just let it rest. If you feel the need to say something as you leave work why don't you try "Happy New Year" or even "Goodbye".

4. "Shit Happens"


No shit huh? If this is the only response you can come up with after someone tells you about their troubles then sympathy is obviously beyond you. Instead of saying "Shit Happens" you could say "look, thats too bad that you are having a tough time with things but I dont have any advice for you. Stop bitching to me and go whine to someone who cares."


5. "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda"


I first heard this one when I was playing cards with one of my uncles. He said it everytime someone said "Oh I shoulda folded" or anything like that and he would say "Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda" and I was like 'Yeah I know thats what I just said'. It just seems to serve no purpose except for rubbing it into the persons face who didnt trust their first instinct. .


6. "Money doesn't buy happiness"

Until I am in a position to truthfully say this myself, I don't want to hear it.

7. "You can't have your cake and eat it too"

LIES! Yes you fucking can have your cake and it eat it to. I have never met a person who bought themselves, or were given a cake and were not allowed to eat it. Where did this phrase come from and why do people still use it.

BOSTON

Oh how I love you. Every once in a while I have a moment were I realize how amazing this city is. Its usually in the winter when the cold air and the setting sun outline the buildings so perfectly that I can't stop staring at them. Today is one of those days.

The Sickness

My skin literally feels like what you might imagine a lizard with cooking oil all over it feels like. My nose and throat like a vaccuum cleaner bag exploded in my face while I was yawning. I want to go home and lay down but the bed will just make my bones hurt worse. The ground outside is covered in shit colored snow and its so fucking cold out that the sentence "motherfucker its is FREEZING out" is all that goes through my head. When I cough I can taste remnants of cigarettes and other shit that was inhaled days ago. I hate being sick. I hate being sick I hate being sick. Go away sick. Stop now. I swear Ill sleep better and start wearing a jacket just leave me be.

Public Transportation Sucks

Wake up, brush teeth, head out the door, gross orange pill under my tongue, cigarette, bus, fuck off, Curry, time check-late, "free metro", "no thanks, got a book", waiting waiting, Train rolls in, frantic seat hungry asians, read my book, hide my face under my; hood, sunglasses, and pages, Wollaston, North Quincy, the long haul to JFK where my back feels like its breaking, "two more stops Liz hang in there", "South Station change here for commuter rail and silver line", Ahhhh so close, Hike up the very steep steps because its good excercise and then curse myself for not taking the escalator, too early in the morning to be pushing my body so hard, Next set of steps I take the escalator, cigarettes and lighter ready, cold blast of air "Free Boston Now" , "No thanks, Got a book", "spare change Miss" "sorry wish I could help", three blocks to work, comfort soon, hang in there, sit at my desk and feel the awesome relief in my lower back and put the space heater on, Lunch time, no money, no shit, 5pm time to leave, blast of cold in my face, cigarette, "spare change" "im broke sorry", "Free Boston Now" I just wave my book in the face, charlie card-not enough funds, no shit, scrape together some change, train, fuck off, Quincy Center, Donuts smell so good, laugh to myself abnout how pathetic not being able to afford a donut, bus, Curry, walk up the hill in shoes that are soaked, temporary home, walk upstairs, change, lay down. Ten hours until its time to do it all over again. Fuck, my life is so repititous, if thats even a word. Just plow through the next two months and things will be better.

Who says Public Tranportation Sucks

I overheard the most hiliarious conversation between two girls who appeared to be around 19 years old. It was on the bus this morning and it went like this.
Girl One "Why wouldnt your brother give you a ride?"
Girl two "Cause he's a fucking asshole.. but its alright I got him back, cause as soon as he left for work I went in his room and stole his money"

Pause and silence between them both for about One Minute

Girl Two "I really hope he gets attacked by rabid monkeys"

Awesome. But that wasnt the end of the awesomeness, They started talking about something else for a while and the girl Two casually says

" I think Im gonna take a nap today at nap time" (Im assuming they work at a daycare)

Girl One "I think Im gonna shoot myself in the face today"
Girl Two "well at least wait and do it after nap time"
Girl One "Yeah Good point"

Silence for a little while and then
Girl One says to Girl Two "hey I saw Hooker Mary this morning if that makes you feel any better"
Girl Two "oh yeah what was she wearing?"
Girl One "Red Spandex"
Girl Two "hooker Mary is gonna catch pnemonia today"

That was the end of the conversation.Thank you girls for making my morning memorable with your hilarious conversation

More Bang for your Buck

On our neverending quest for the cheapest hotel in the Boston area me and hubby stumbled upon a Motel 8 just seconds from home. Although I do feel a certain sense of betrayal on our part to the Arbor Inn Motor Lodge that we have called our home away from home for the past year. But we managed to get over that feeling when we abandoned Presidents Inn after finding out the Arbor Inn was only $76 compared to Presidents which is $109. Motel 8 being the cheapest one to date coming at at precisely $70 dollars. Its also a King Size bed compared to the other two that give you two queens. And get this, they have HBO. The coffee maker was broken and the lights were really dim but that is my only complaint. Its a much newer building and the blankets dont have nearly half the amounts of cigarette burns on them. This is our third hotel that we frequent and they are getting cheaper everytime so hopefully the next one we find will be only $50 a night. That would be rad.

Want, Need

I just want to feel decent. I want some sense of control over the thoughts that roam my head throughout the day. I want to find a way to deal with each nagging thought and dismiss it, instead of harboring these creepy feelings like something is always about to take over and crush me. I wish I didn’t push them all down and ignore them this long because now they have gotten so powerful that they seep into my dreams and wake me with a rush of panic Or they dominate my concentration in the lonely hours of the night when everyone else is sleeping and I am pleading with a God I don’t even believe in to grant me just a few sweet hours of sleep and escape from myself. Sleep is the drug I don’t pay for, the booze I don’t have to drink. Sleep is all I need to feel human. But I can’t sleep without either of the two. I need to cloud my head with drugs and alcohol in order to let myself drift off to sleep. To escape from the guilt and frustration I feel all day long. And it’s terrifying. Falling asleep at night has become such a struggle, something I dread all day because of the fear that lingers behind my eyelids and makes me sweat and shake and traps me in violent nightmares. And the pressure of knowing that if I don’t fall to sleep I will not go to work and I will spend another entire day basked in guilt. How is somebody supposed to recharge and feel human when they can’t do the most essential and natural thing they are supposed to do?
They figure out what it is they have been smothering all this time, they face the things that scare them and make them feel low and they let go of all of it. Then they lie down at night and doze off to sleep through the night and dream of things that aren’t dark and ugly and they wake up and feel like they can face the day cause at the end of it they can have another break from their heavy thoughts.

Update on Empty Wallet

Not only did I get through to unemployment and plead my case but they said they will send the check out today. My dad give me 60 bucks yesterday and Kelly gave me a knife last night. I won't be getting raped now.