An Old Poem about Myself.

Little Lizzi weak bladder runs her mouth with non-stop chatter
Too many thoughts too finish each one so I start another one before the last ones done
My brain maps might be hard to follow but Ill explain them to you if you got time I can borrow
See there is a method to my madness its called attention deficit distractedness with a little hyperactivity thrown in the mix
Which will help explain the constant fidgets I’ve been to doctors and therapist so I know my conditions legit.
I can’t listen when you talk to me.. directions, names and numbers are lost on me.
Sometimes I see something shiny and I lose my train of thought
Every once in a while you might think you got me caught
But I can trick you into thinking I know what you just said
I do this with a “yeah” and a nod of my head.
Its not that I’m stupid or that I just don’t care its just I got too much of my own sh*t going on up there.
Not all of its profound not all of it’s worth thinking about
Mostly Im just thinking of what Im gonna wear next time I go out.
But you still can’t hold my interest and I still can’t pay attention.
I’m just involved in my own thoughts and having my own conversation
So don’t blame yourself or think your boring me
I just have too many wheels turning in my head that you can’t see.

death car for blondie

bad luck comes when you need it the least .I recently totalled my car in an act of sheer stupidity, driving along with my eyes glued to the phone and then BOOM airbag smashing me in the face and tearing the skin off my arm. but and this is the good part- the guy i hit was the one who was wasted, not me. so i dont feel as guilty and stupid as i have after most of my transgressions behind the wheel. so two months from now i will have wheels again and bitch'll be locking the phone in the trunk to avoid the need to answer texts while driving. adhd has proven to be a bitch when im behind the wheel. Ive never claimed to  be a good driver and most of my friends suffer anxiety attacks when their in the whip with me. Two other shitty things went wrong this last  month thats a little too personal for public viewing, and then i had to have another molar ripped from the roots of my skull. the dentist and his assistant had to hold my head in place while he tugged back and forth on the stubborn motherfucker of a tooth. but anyway, Ive had it good the past 10 months after i got my life together so I really can't complain about a little bad luck. Can't cruise thru life with no speed bumps. Gotta say this Kanyes Cruel Summer is making my life much better lately. The CD kicks ass and my Ipod was recently flooded with new music to the point i got no memory left but i just keep listening to Cruel Summer and Pusha T. As my dear friend Pamela would say I'm kinda living for it. its near the end of october and its a beautiful day, I'm rocking a wifebeater and i aint even chilly. Speaking of wifebeaters. my awful cat that my mom and me adopted 6 months ago got stuck in my room this morning when the door blew shut and i was sleeping so to get revenge she pissed all over the outift i had laid out for today. calculating little fucker. she knew. sorry for the lower case i started this blog on my phone and its a bitch to capitilize so thats that. anyways all I'm trying to say is when bad luck comes you just gotta roll thru it and after a few weeks it becomes a distant memory. then you got nice weather and good music and everything feels a little bit sunnier. i got burns on my arm from the accident and a gaping hole in my gums and no whip to get me anywhere but instead of dwelling on it im just pretending it didnt happen and in a few months life will be back on track..

Writers Block

So being on anti psychotics can seriously take away someones ability to write so I've been avoiding it for years. It breaks my heart to not have any inspiration to write anymore I see all the shit I wrote on here a couple years ago and clearly I had some free time, mania, and creativity. It'll come back to me I just have to practice. So its been 9 months without using any opiates. Living somewhat clean or at least 95% clean still having some beers occasionally but compared to where I was the last time I was typing on here its a fucking miracle. Lots of hard work but so totally worth it in the end. I lost another great friend to drugs. I always considered him invincible so his death was a wake up call. Albeit I've had a million wake up calls but this time I listened.. I'm Done with that shit. I just bought a car. Staring looking into schools, got back some jewellery and self respect All things I had basically abandoned and I never thought I'd have again... Trying out the AA scene and it aint the worst thing in the world like I used to think it was. Still going to outpatient treatment at Adcare.  I'm trying to remember where I  was the last 5 and 1/2 years though cause Im finding myself getting snotty with people who are still using and I don't mean to do that it just frustrates me to see people making the same mistakes and not getting out of their own way. I don't wanna become Sunshine Suzy with the creepy AA glazed eyes and sobriety slogans but I'm doing things different this time and hopefully good will come out of it. Ill end this with my new favorite quote that I got inked on my ribs last month "sometimes the brightest lights come from the darkest places"

Blah

I got no inspriration these days nothing decent worth writing about so Ill see ya when I see ya.

Nothing makes me happier

Than natural disasters. Christ when I see a "Breaking News Tornado Tears apart Town" news report I am filled with glee. I don't want to see people get hurt or die or have their possesions destroyed I just love inclement weather. I look forward to Hurricane season with anticipation that only a child feels on Christams Eve. Unfortunately up here in Boston we don't get many hurricanes, once every 10 years or something. The ocean is my other Favorite thing in the entire world. You give me a big nasty fucking storm thats got the ocean involved all crazy and wild and I am literally puking rainbows out of excitement. Indonesia just had a Tsunami, lucky fucks. I'll be tuned into Anderson Cooper 360 for the next week glued to the images of hugemongous waves wiping out whole fucking cities. I dont mean to be insensitive but my entertainment is my number one priority. It sucks when people die, I know that and it makes me sad so I cry while watching this shit on tv and its a weird and messy mixture of crying and smiling while being mesmorized by gusts of wind and massive waves. I dunno. I know what I like, and I like storms. I just saw OJ Simpson on tv and I thought "I wonder if OJ likes bad weather, like me?" and the thought alone made me laugh so hard I almost choked on the orange I am eating. too much excitement for one evening. I'm out-

Congratulations

To Beak Wilder on his blog that has been recognized by Quincy's Patriot Ledger. Keep it up.

Professional Help

So I went to the Behavioral Therapist that I am forced to see so I can keep getting Scrips for xanax and she told me she had never in all her years of Therapy met anyone who had as many issues with sleep as I do. She said Its almost like you look at sleep as a challenge that is waiting for you at the end of every day. This is true I said. Even at 10 am I am already stressed about the going to sleep process that will come in 12 hours. I havent even been having the problems I usually have while sleeping in the past 6 months but I still stress about it. And I don't even have to wake up for anything in the morning , so she plans on having me fixed up before I get a job and have to get to sleep and wake up at scheduled times. Good luck lady. Your about to tackle 15 year bad sleep habits and dependence on sleep aids. Ill be forever in her debt if it works.